It's Not Goodbye, it's See Ya Later.....

Sorry it has been so long since my last post. Our last week with Losha flew by and was crazy busy......we had 2 snow days, for which I was very thankful! Wednesday we worked for a few hours and we left Losha at home by himself for about 2 hours. I think he really enjoyed this independence. When I left him, he was watching a movie. When John got home, he caught him dancing and singing to Wii Just Dance and he about died!!!!! He got so embarrassed :)

We both took off work Thursday and Friday so we could spend the last 2 days with him. We took him to Bo's in Lenoir, because that's where he wanted to go Thursday. We met my sister, brother-in-law and nephew there. We stayed busy with the arcade, bowling, laser tag, and more arcade. Losha absolutely loved the Fast and the Furious Car racing game. He must have played it over 20 times. Over and over. Then over and over some more. He perfected his game, that's for sure. Friday we spent the day doing stuff around the house and getting ready for his birthday party. He looked so surprised when I came home toting hot wheels balloons. We had a really good turn out for his party- so thank you to those of you who were able to come on such a short notice!!! Losha was pretty quiet most of the party, like we expected him to be. He started coming out of his shell towards the end. After the party, we had to pack and that's when it really hit all of us he was leaving. We all had managed to stick it in the back of our minds the whole 5 weeks. We  stayed distracted. As we were packing, it became obvious that we needed a bigger suitcase. But we managed to fit all of his favorite clothes and most of his toys. When we weighed the suitcase, we were at 50.4 pounds (50 was the limit), so we were hoping our scales were off just a little bit. I stayed up to make his photo album- nothing like procrastination. I was up until 2:30 am frantically printing off pictures and cutting them to fit in his album. I don't think I would have been able to sleep anyways, so again, it was a good distraction.

Friday night as we were saying our prayers with him, Losha actually prayed for the first time. It took a lot of begging and pleading with him, but he did say a quick prayer in Russian. I think it was a recited prayer, but still, it would do. He fought us tooth and nail over praying the entire 5 weeks he was with us. Finally Friday night I pleaded with him to just say one in Russian. A little one. A simple one. Just one. He proceeded to tell me there were no little prayers in Russian, that they were all long. That's when we realized he prays recited prayers, instead of just talking to God. So I told him, OK, no long prayers, just talk to God. He finally said a prayer- pretty sure it was recited, but hopefully we planted the seed that he can simply talk to God anytime he wants to....

Saturday morning basically went like this- Losha not liking what was packed for his backpack, repacking his backpack, repacking his suitcase, re-weighing his suitcase, taking some stuff out, adding some stuff, etc.... We left for the airport at 10:50 and as we pulled out of the neighborhood, the tears started streaming. I just couldn't help it. I think Losha was sad too, because he didn't say much of anything the entire ride. Friday night I asked him if he was ready to go home. He did the "so-so" motion with his hand. I know he missed Russia and was excited to see his friends, but at the same time, I do think he will miss us. He wasn't talking much at the airport. The kids from the other countries all had flight times before Losha and we made it to the airport just in time to see the farewells of those kids, which broke my heart. Most of them were small kids and most of them were crying. I thought, If Losha cries, I'm done. We were able to sit with him for a good 2 hours before he was taken back through security, since it was only Losha and his chaperone leaving from Charlotte. We checked him in and his suitcase came in at 49.5 pounds! Yeah, we're that good :) Those 2 hours waiting with him were torture- and he was quick to make fun of my red eyes from crying...but the time finally came to say our goodbyes. He was standing up facing me, and I was delaying the inevitable. He finally just reached for me and said "bye". I hugged him and kissed his little cheek, told him I loved him, to be a good boy, and that we really enjoyed having him. Next he went to John and then I couldn't see anything. Before he walked away, I grabbed his arm and told him, "This isn't goodbye, its just See Ya Later, OK?" and he nodded his head and did his little smirk. Then he was off for security. John and I followed him and were able to watch him go through. He didn't realize we had followed him, so when he saw us he smiled really big. Then after he got through, he turned around and waved at us, with an expression on his face that I can't describe. He wasn't really smiling, but he wasn't crying either (Thank Goodness). I blew him and kiss and John was waving, then he simply walked out of sight. It was the saddest thing I have ever done.

I cried basically all day Saturday. We got home and that was horrendous.. the house was empty and quiet and it honestly felt like Losha had died instead of just left. It was the most awful feeling ever..... We cried and cried. We tried to talk about other things, but it just didn't work. We tried to get out of the house and run some errands and that did work, but only for about 3 hours. Saturday night was just more sobbing myself to sleep. My eyes were so swollen, I literally looked like a bull-frog! No kidding! I could barely see out of them when I woke up Sunday morning. The weird thing is, we knew it would be hard to let him go, but we never thought it would have been as bad as it was. We were much more attached to him than we ever realized. What made it worse, was the fact that we're not going to pursue adoption of him, so we don't really know if we will ever get to see him again. I hope and pray that we will, but we just don't know if hosting programs will be allowed in Russia with the new laws being passed this month. Friday night I ended up breaking the rules of the program, and told Losha over Google Translate, that we would never make him choose between his family in Russia and us, but that if he ever wanted to come live with us forever, all he had to do was ask us. He nodded his little head to this, so at least he knows for sure that he is loved. The weekend was terribly hard, but things are getting easier each day. Yesterday I managed to only cry one time!! So far today, I only teared up, but nothing actually streamed down my face (and I was praying for him, so that always makes me emotional, and doesn't count).

I prayed all along, for God to reveal his plan as to why Losha was one of the lucky 15 kids who made it out of Russia in December. All along, I was just sure it was because we were meant to adopt him. But I was wrong. Losha needed this experience. His mother died in November, and Losha found out he was coming to America in November as well. He needed this experience for healing, I think. He was able to be his goofy little self, and laugh and be silly. He was able to cut loose. He was able to truly be himself without getting into trouble for it. He was able to be a maniac. Through this experience I believe God showed John and I that we are meant to adopt an older child. I've always wanted to adopt, but always pictured us adopting an infant. I never thought about being open to an older child. But now, well I'm changed. This experience has lit a fire beneath John and I and we are ready to get started on our journey. And we have Losha to thank for that. We hope and pray our paths will cross Losha's again someday. I'm sure it will. I don't know how God can bring someone like him into our lives just once. Nothing in life is ever guaranteed- but we hope to host Losha again. We hope we made God proud. We emailed Losha Monday to amke sure he had arrived back in Russia safely. He hasn't responded yet, but we aren't sure how often he checks his email. Last night we signed up on Kontakte- the russian version of facebook. We were able to find him and sent our friend request to him. Hopefully, we will hear something back from him soon. We plan on stalking keeping up with him this way.....

This will be the last post for a while. John and I would like to thank you for stopping in to read about our journey and for all of the encouraging comments and messages throughout our hosting period. We read each one to each other, and we apologize for not being able to respond to each message. We are thankful for each and every one though, I promise.

We will post pics to facebook soon- our computer is being retarded about uploads lately, so be patient :)

Great Wolf Lodge

This past weekend flew by in a blur. Friday night we were scheduled to host Oleksander, one of the Ukrainian chaperones. We took him out to dinner at the Olive Garden, which proved to be a great choice. He loved it. He spoke a little English, but was very eager to learn. He was such a nice man, and we really enjoyed our evening with him. My absolute favorite part of the whole night was just listening to Losha speak Russian with Oleksander. I could have listened for hours. Losha was very respectful to Oleksander and they engaged in conversation a lot. I was able to pick out a few words, so I  know Oleksander was asking Loshas about our house, and he asked Losha about his parents. But that was about all I could understand. It was the most we had heard Losha talk, and the boy just let it all out. It was wonderful. Oleksander caught me smiling as I was watching them talk, and he asked me if I understood what they were saying. I told him no, that I just loved to hear Losha speak Russian. It was a great evening. We ordered Losha Dr. Pepper to drink, and he was downing one after the other, and I wasn't paying attention to this. When the food came, he ate about 2 bites and said he was full. I made him eat his most of his chicken and then he had a very funny look on his face and he leaned over to Oleksander and said something and I caught "toilet" out of it. Losha looked back at me because Oleksander wasn't moving to let him out of the booth. I asked him if he was sick, and he said yes. Well, he ran out of the booth and went to throw up. I felt like the worst host parent ever!!! I know he loves Dr. Pepper-and he literally drank himself sick. It was 10 times worse because it was in front of the chaperone. geez Louise!

Saturday morning we left for the Great Wolf Lodge, to see the other host families and kids. Losha of course clammed up, but we had invited along my sister, brother-in-law and nephew to join us. Loshas swam for about 3 hours and then told me he wanted to go to our room and watch TV. I don't think so, buddy. We paid good money and we were going to get the most out of it. We talked him into going down the slides with us some more, and his mood improved. There are some crazy slides at that place. Losha enjoyed making fun of me screaming my head off, thanks to the "Tornado". Saturday night, we had a pizza party with all of the families. Losha entered shy mode. He wouldn't talk to ANYONE. Several kids tried to introduce themselves, and Losha wouldn't say a word. So, we went to the arcade, and then he was fine. We ended the evening with some ice cream, and he told John, "Big, I want big chocolate". So that's what he got!
Sunday morning was more waterpark. Losha took off for the wave pool and that was the last we saw of him. I caught a glimpse of him in one of the other pools with some of the other Russian kids. He spent the rest of his day with the other kids, and I would catch a quick glimpse of him running, talking, going down the slides, etc... I was just so happy he was finally starting to engage with the other kids. We ended up leaving around 2- his eyes were blood-shot and he was ready to go.  The rest of Sunday evening we just relaxed at home, watching some movies and he played on the computer some. He said he had a good time.

I was so thankful for the snow on Monday!!! Another day at home with him. I have felt a very strong bond with him over the past weekend. He has really opened up to me and has told me A LOT about his past, which breaks my heart for him. His mother recently passed away and when he told me this, I started crying. He asked me why I was crying, and I told him it made me very sad for him. He has been telling me more and more since this weekend, and now that peace that I felt about sending him back is starting to waiver. I'm not so sure what we're supposed to do. He told me he's not ready to go back to Russia. I was joking and told him that he could just stay here, and was laughing when I said it. He started shaking his head up and down and said "yeah". John says I'm feeling this way because he's getting ready to leave- not sure if I believe that or not. I'm just about ready to flat out ask him about adoption, even though that is FORBIDDEN with the hosting program. We'll see how the next couple of days go..........

This morning, he woke up not feeling very well. He had a headache and was a little hot to the touch, so I think he probably had a fever. I gave him some exedrin and he said it went away. I made him a grilled cheese and bologna sandwich for lunch. As I was making mine, I asked him if he wanted more and he said yes. So I gave him my sandwich too. He ate some chips as well. So, I"m pretty sure he's feeling better! He's watching a movie now...just lounging around. John is working the road today, but I think we're gonna go sledding later on today. Losha has no desire what-so-ever to play in the snow. He told me that there is so much snow in Russia, that it will completely bury cars. He also said that in Russia it is normally -25 degrees, and when it gets down to -27 degrees then school is canceled. He has had a good laugh at our schools being cancelled for this tiny amount of snow :)

Well friends, I need to get off of here. I'm in a frenzy to edit and print all of pictures for him and send an album back with him........I need to get busy!

"Dr. Pep-aire my battery"

Lovable Losha has been wired the last couple of days. He's still lovin his Dr. Pepper and now it seems like everywhere he goes, someone will give him a 2 liter. It makes his day. Our pantry is currently housing 7 2-liters. He has a week to consume it all........I'm sure he's up for the challenge.

This week has been hectic, and to throw in some more chaos, John's nice little Upper Respiratory Infection has been hopping all around our house. So far, Losha is in the clear, and hasn't been sick. I figure he's got one awesome immune system since he lives with a bunch of kids and all of their germs. I'm still praying that he doesn't get sick- especially considering he has about 30+ hours of traveling coming up.....

Losha has been bounced all over the place this week. Just to hit the highlights- he spent 2 days with my family this week. They took him to Bo's in Lenior- a fun place that has anything and everything fun and loud you can think of- both days they kept him for us. Losha is now "pro" at everything. "I pro bowler!" "I pro sniper!" "I pro driver!" He's spent 1 day with John this week and they came to my work and we all had much together. Such a nice treat to get to see both of my boys during the day :) Today he's with John's parents again, where I'm sure he'll have a blast. He told us the other day, while in the car- totally out of the blue- "Dr. Pep-air my battery", followed by "een-air-gee!!!!" (energy). This absolutely cracked me up :) He's very right though- it does give him energy, to say the least.

This week we also talked to him about a birthday party. His birthday is January 28 and he will be turning 14!!! Since he won't be here on his actual birthday, we're going to throw him a little party next Friday, the 14th. We took him to Party City so he could pick out his theme, and he appropriately chose Hot Wheels. This was quite endearing to me. He said "Moos-tang!" aka Mustang, and the decision was final! He tried very hard to conceal his excitement, but he was grinning like a monkey. If you're reading this, you're invited. We figured since the party is the day before he leaves, those of you who haven't yet been able to meet him and want to, can come and meet him. We have so many people wanting to say goodbye to him, that it is just not possible for us to get around to everyone. So, we figured we'll have him in a central location, and anyone and everyone is welcome to stop in and say "happy birthday" "nice to meet you" or "goodbye/farewell". But please, NO GIFTS!!! He has entirely too much stuff now to take back with him. He is only allowed 1 suitcase with a 50 lb weight limit to it- we're already over it. So, he won't be able to take any gifts back with him.....so PLEASE don't bring anything but yourselves. We'll have some food and cake. The party will be "drop-in" from 4pm-8pm. Come if you can! I know Losha will love it. And please, don't take it personally if he doesn't say a word to you. He still doesn't talk to strangers-this is just him. It has nothing to do with you, I promise!

This weekend we are headed to the Great Wolf Lodge with the other host families, as well as my sister, brother-in-law and nephew. We're gonna have a blast. Losha is quite excited about this. I'm not too thrilled about my tankini with no tan what-so-ever. There is a BIG difference between pasty pale fat and tan fat.........
I just keep telling myself, "Its all for Losha, its all for Losha, its all for Losha......."

Well, Hello 2011

Oh my goodness, I'm so far behind! Life has been crazy busy for us, so I'm just now catching up the blog.....

New years eve was a fun one! Its also my mom's birthday, so we decided to go snow tubing. We had a ball! Losha is none too thrilled about snow, because, lets face it- he lives in it all the time. He probably thinks we're crazy to get so excited over it. My parents got him snow bibs for Christmas, so we had to put them to good use. He said he had never been skiing before and had no desire what-so-ever to try it, by displaying the Russian snarl lip. We showed him snow tubing and at first, he acted uninterested in it. After the first run, he was gung-ho!!! Him and I went down together and the rule was you were supposed to drag your feet at a certain point in order to slow yourself down.Well, Losha either didn't understand this, or just wanted to keep flying down the hill, because I was stuck digging my toes in trying to slow us down, and wasn't too successful at it. We got fussed at. We laughed it off, but the guy on a power trip told us that was our "warning" and we wouldn't get another one.....I politely told him he was very wrong about that :) No one messes with my Russian! Losha was so worn out that he didn't make it to midnight to ring in the new year. He could not have cared less. He took his shower and went straight to bed....after falling asleep in the car on the way home. So John and I rang it in in style---Party Animals that we are- in our bed. 2010 wasn't my most favorite year, to say the least. John and I were hit pretty hard with lots of trials. But it ended quite nicely......

New Years day we all slept in and then we just lounged around the house all morning. Losha discovered Fear Factor on TV and was quite entertained by that show. I forgot how much I liked it too. And lucky for us, there was a Fear Factor marathon on all day. We took Losha to the movies that afternoon to see Tron 3D. Not my pick. But he seemed to enjoy it. He really seemed to enjoy the popcorn and Dr. Pepper. Then he enjoyed my Diet Coke. Then we took him to enjoy some pizza. After 2 slices from the buffet, he said he was full. We managed to get him to eat another 3 slices once we cut off his Dr. Pepper supply. The kid just drinks and drinks that stuff. He doesn't seem to realize that he's getting full of Dr. Pepper and not food. He said he was ready to go home, so we rented 2 movies and headed that way. He wanted to rent "A Haunting in Connecticut" and "Step Up 3". Weird choices, I know. We watched the horror one first- I don't recommend it. Its very freaky. And apparently it gave Losha nightmares. I don't know why, considering he watched half of it from underneath his blanket with his eyes shut. Once we turned it off, he refused to go to bed. He kept saying "I not sleepy" over and over as he pointed to the TV. So we stayed up to watch another episode of Fear Factor until he settled down. We asked him if he wanted John to sleep with him, and at first he said yes, then after he settled down he said no.  The next morning he told me he kept waking up from nightmares and I felt a little bad.....

Sunday we went to church and he was bored stiff! He just does NOT enjoy church at all, which really makes me sad. I know its just because he can't understand anything....... he squirmed all through it. We ran errands after church and after each store he would ask "home?". True boy- hates shopping. Then when we finally got home we watched Step Up 3. He really liked that one. We lounged around all afternoon. It was so nice to not have to be somewhere for once. We watched movies on TV the rest of the night, including the notebook, my favorite. He was not a fan. He kept squirming and tried to change the channel. We made him close his eyes during a couple of scenes, and he was trying his best to open one eye to watch it. Yeah, talk about embarrassing and awkward!!!!!!!

Monday he went to spend the day with John's dad. They played wii and made some pottery. John's dad is AWESOME at pottery, for those of you who don't know. I have a whole cabinet full of his "throw aways" that are perfectly fine to everyone but his dad. Losha made 3 bowls. He was explaining to me how he could pinch the clay and it would make it tall. He also explained (all of this through acting out) that one bowl must have been wobbly. John said that by the third bowl, he had done pretty well. Him and John rented more movies and Losha picked "Predators". I can't wait to watch it tonight!! yeah, thats sarcasm. He wouldn't eat dinner last night, because heaven forbid I steamed some broccoli. He ate his garlic bread and I forced him to eat his chicken. The rice and broccoli was a no go. I've about given up on him liking any vegetable, especially anything green. It always gets the Russian Snarl Lip.

Oh my goodness, I almost forgot the most important part of the past couple of days! Geez! Losha was able to tell us a little about his past and his life in Russia. Thanks to the Russian equivalent of facebook, called Kontakte, he pulled up his profile. He was able to show us his sister (19 years old) and his brother (23 years old). He told us he has 3 brothers and 2 sisters, but I think the 19 yo sister and 23 yo brother are his biological siblings. I think the others are step- related. He explained to us that they all go to his grandmothers house every weekend. His grandmother has 4 cats. We asked him how his family felt about him being in America with us, and he said "they are not afraid for me". Or, thats how it was translated, thanks to Google Translate. He said he missed Russia, when we asked him. He also said he was happy in Russia. We were able to see his orphanage, which he calls his "ranch". He pulled up one of his friends in the orphanage, and she had an album of her birthday party at the orphanage this past March. His orphanage was very clean, with painted bright blue and gray walls and a stage area. There were lots of toys around and all the kids were very clean and all at least seemed happy. There were balloons everywhere, along with a "Happy Birthday" banner. Losha was in most of the pictures, popping the balloons and playing dress up. The birthday theme was from the movie Madagascar and Losha was the lion. Very appropriate. There was also a picture of all of the kids in his "group" outside in front of the orphanage, complete with birthday balloons and his orphanage building looked old, but not dilapidated. It was European- everything is old over there. We were also able to pull up Googe Earth and Losha found his orphanage (made up of 3 buildings) and showed us the wing that he lives in. He also showed us his school and the region his grandmother lives in. Overall, I felt so at peace about sending him back. I know he is taken care of, and most importantly, I know he is happy. After this conversation with him, John and I both felt that adoption was just not the right thing. We just don't feel comfortable taking him away from his family and from everything that he know and loves. The bottom line, is that he's happy there, and most importantly, he has a family. Although, in my own selfishness, I will miss him terribly. I already get all teary eyed just thinking about putting him back on that plane.
Am I attached? Absolutely.
Do I want to send him back? Uh, no!
Does he belong there? Yes!
As much as I love the little man, I feel God's peace about this. I have prayed all along for God's plan to be revealed as to WHY he was one of only 15 orphans allowed out of Russian in December. I still don't know that. I also have prayed for God to make it very obvious about what we're supposed to do with him, and to give us peace over our decision- God did just that! Losha was looking for the experience, and not a "forever family". I pray we were able to provide that for him. We got a lot in return. We got the love of an orphan, we got the look on his face Christmas morning, and we got to open our hearts and home to him, even if for a short while.
Ok, I'm getting all sentimental and mushy now, and I'm gonna get off here before I have an emotional meltdown........ :)